I Don't Know

I grew up in what I like to call a “domino” culture. Growing up as a member of the Jewish community and attending a prestigious Connecticut prep school, my life was supposed to progress through a series of linear milestones that sequentially built upon one another until you died. 

The best prep school —> the best college —> the best major —> respectable job —> lots of money —> white picket fence —> happily ever after

When I was younger, it seemed like I fit the mold perfectly. A consummate golden child, I excelled in sports and school and was able to earn my way into a highly regarded college using a combination of the two. Looking back, I was seeking more of an All-American classic college experience complete with fraternities and school spirit. Unfortunately, my college choices were limited to whichever schools really needed a 5’9 Jew to play running back. So I ended up at a highly renowned liberal arts college the size of a glorified boarding school lacking any of the social or cultural elements I really wanted. 

(Un)fortunately(?) the wrist injury that began in college required a third surgery after my freshman season. And, just like that, my identity as an athlete along with all of the behavioral trappings and habits that came with it were over. In the vacuum that presented after football was over, I decided to throw myself into the phase of life that had the most currency at Claremont - professional and monetary success.

Domino culture was heavy at Claremont McKenna. It was largely understood that this was not the ideal college experience so people were motivated to put their head down and set themselves up for the happy ever after that began after graduation with a job at Deloitte. “Let those idiots at state schools enjoy these four years, they will work for us for the rest of their lives!” Charming, I know. 

I smoked entirely too much pot in college to carry on my high school record of academic success and my resulting GPA disqualified me from any kind of consulting job (the definitive “right” answer to what are you doing after school). I ended up with a job at a financial headhunting firm. While it might not elicit the “oohs” and “ahs” that a job title like a consultant or doctor might, I saw it as an opportunity to make a lot of money and at least fulfill that part of the expectation.

This place was insane. A bunch of kids in their mid 20’s doing their best impersonations of the Wolf Of Wall Street printing money via completely unethical means. I enjoyed the first 4 months because it felt like I had done everything “right” up until that point. I was working my way through my dominos like I was supposed to. However, things began to sour. I hated the monotony of cold calling for a living and working for a guy two years older than me who was clearly auditioning for shmuck of the year. I burnt out and quit right before I hit my one year mark. 

At this point, like any 24 year old living in LA, I decided to become a life coach. Lol what a fucking asshole I was. Hubris aside, I threw myself into the certification program, genuinely enjoying returning to psychology which I had studied in school. However, once the program ended and it was time to start, you know, building my business and making money. I freaked out. I felt frozen and uncertain and began to think about how I had deviated from “the” path and was being punished for it. 

And here is where my “I don’t know” began. I knew I had to get back on the path, I was plagued with thoughts of what I “should” be doing and felt like everything I was doing was wrong even though I had no idea what “right” was. My life was supposed to go A, B, C, D, etc. But it felt like my life had gone off the rails. Instead of A, B, C, D it felt like my life had gone A, B, C #. What?! How did I mess this up so badly I am not even in the alphabet anymore? And as the years went on it felt like the distance between my path and the “should” path was only widening. I saw all of my friends and peers progress through D, E, F and it felt like my life was going more like #, ⭐️, 😉.

Over the years I would seek advice from my cousin Max about what to do but our conversations would almost always reach the same road block. He would ask what do I like to do? What am I interested in or passionate about? I would freeze up. “I don’t know” was all that I could manage. It almost felt like that phrase I don’t know produced a somatic experience in my chest that was so intense and uncomfortable I usually ended up trying to numb myself with weed or porn or run back to the perceived safety of the corporate world. 

I had numerous jobs in the corporate world but they never lasted long. The truth is, I never felt pulled towards any of them. I would land a job and breathe a huge sigh of relief like “Thank G-d, ok, I’m back on D. I know I am behind the ball but at least I am back on the path.” And always, they would fizzle out or end in a non satisfactory way. 

Fast forward to just recently. I was on my 5th iteration of trying to get back onto the “should” path which looked like a job in tech sales. In my first 4 months it looked like I had finally found my thing. I was successful and recognized in the office for both my performance and potential and felt like I finally had some runway in front of me. However, this too began to fade. A combination of factors ranging from a red tape bureaucracy from hell, a dishonest boss, and the hellish monotony of cold calling to sell software to people who had no interest in buying software, I began to dread the day as soon as I opened my eyes. 

This all came in the midst of me reading a book called “Why, G-d Why?” that was written by rabbi talking about how to deal with trauma and tragedy. Not to say this job was either of those things, but I was reading it at the time to re-examine my relationship with G-d who I had shut out in response to all of my suffering. I always hated the phrase “Gd has a plan.” It feels so impersonal and to be honest borderline non-consensual. As if G-d was making a painting and he is like “Hmm I need some suffering over here, I can put Bryan there.”

This rabbi offered me a reframe that has been huge for me. He said that G-d is building the world to come, and by nature of G-d building it, it is more awesome than we have human words to describe. He says of course G-d could create this world with the snap of his fingers but he wanted us to help him build it. And therefore he gives us experiences that will mold us into the person we need to play the role in building this world. 

This felt so much different to me. It was as if G-d was coming directly to me and saying, “Bryan, I need you. I need you to do these things in this world and unfortunately the only way I can forge you into this person is by giving you these experiences.” This is less about this job in particular and more a zoomed out approach that had me in that moment looking into my experience as full of information that will lead me to my next move on the path that G-d wants me to be on. 

So I began to think, what the fuck? I am a smart, capable, driven  guy. So why have all of these jobs gone so badly? It kind of hit me all at once - maybe this is not what G-d has in store for me. Maybe he has provided me with these hugely lackluster experiences on this “should” path because it is not the path I “should” be on at all. But if not the clean and orderly path I had been directed to all my life, what now? 

And so we return to the dreaded “I don’t know.”

However, I am experiencing it differently than ever before. I know now that whatever G-d and this life has in store for me, it is within that “I don’t know.” I think it was always trying to tell me something, I’ve just never sat with it long enough for it to tell me what it wanted. In our talks Max used to say that I don’t know is a fine starting point, but it can’t be where it ends. So I decided that if I wanted a life of passion and purpose I needed to pursue, and court, and love that I don’t know.

So here I am. Writing this post on a balcony in a little city in Mexico about to head into a retreat to work with psychedelic medicine. I quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, said my goodbyes, and have thrown myself into the unknown. Ask me what I’m doing? Where I’m going? What my plan is next? I’ll tell you I don’t know. 

And for the first time, I feel like that is exactly where I need to be.